Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Canada Day Long Weekend Update

This weekend's special is going to be extended because of the long weekend.  It will start on Friday, July 1 and continue through Monday July 4 (which also nicely covers Independence Day for my American clients).  It will be the same as last weekend's special, just four days instead of two. 

Members, book a Members Only session for the best rate.

Please book as far ahead as you can - long weekends are busy and I can't answer the phone during sessions.

Looking forward to seeing you, and if I don't see you, have fun and play safe!

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Frozen Logger

For all you loggers out there...this is The Frozen Logger, by James Stevens

As I set down one evening in a timber town café
A forty year-old waitress, to me these words did say
"I see you are a logger and not a common bum
For no one but a logger stirs his coffee with his thumb

My lover was a logger, there's none like him today
If you'd sprinkle whisky on it, he'd eat a bale of hay
He never shaved the whiskers from off his horny hide
But he'd pound 'em in with a hammer, then bite 'em off inside

My lover came to see me one freezing winter day
He held me in a fond embrace that broke three vertebrae
He kissed me when we parted so hard it broke my jaw
And I could not speak to tell him he'd forgot his mackinaw

I watched my logger lover going through the snow
A-sauntering gaily homeward at forty eight below
The weather tried to freeze him, it tried it's level best
At a hundred degrees below zero, he buttoned up his vest

It froze clean down to China, it froze to the stars above
At one thousand degrees below zero it froze my logger love
They tried in vain to thaw him and if you'll believe me, sir
They made him into ax blades to chop the Douglas fir

That's how I lost my lover and to this café I come
And here I wait till someone stirs his coffee with his thumb
And then I tell my story of my love they could not thaw
Who kissed me when we parted so hard he broke my jaw"

Nicole Kelly
Vancouver Island Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage and Full Service Escort
Parksville - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Friday, June 24, 2011

Hitch-22: A Memoir

Well, I finally managed to lay hands on a copy of this book.  Comments will be a work in progress because I'm still reading it.  Right now, I'm just getting through his childhood.  This passage about his mother leapt out at me:

Yvonne, then, was the exotic and the sunlit when I could easily have had a boyhood of stern and dutiful English gray.  She was the cream in the coffee, the gin in the Campari, the offer of wine or champagne instead of beer, the laugh in the face of bores and purse-mouths and skinflints, the insurance against bigots and prudes.  Her defeat and despair were also mine for a long time, but I have reason to know that she wanted me to withstand the woe, and when I once heard myself telling someone that she had allowed me a "second identity" I quickly checked myself and thought, no, perhaps with luck she had represented my first and truest one.  (Hitchens 25-26)

^ That, right there, is why I love Hitch. ^


Hitchens, Christopher. Hitch-22: A Memoir. Toronto, Canada: McClellend & Stewart, 2010.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ask Me That Again. I Dare You

Today started out well enough - a meeting with a tattoo artist to discuss the possibility of a nice Canadian flag-type tattoo so I don't get robbed, raped and/or murdered in a foreign land.

After that, I found out I need a root canal on one of my molars, which is poisoning my system, making my lymph nodes swell up, draining my energy and making me unable to hold down any food.

I also ran out of nicotine patches and discovered that when one does not replace those posthaste, withdrawal is immediate and rather unpleasant.

So, in an effort to boost myself somewhat, I went out in search of food that would stay down (definitely pizza), water, and more patches.

It took the girl behind the pizza counter 30 minutes to heat up a pizza that she'd told me would be done in 15.  In the meantime, an old woman ran into my achilles tendons with her shopping cart, which caused her free sample of organic, cruelty-free coffee to splash all over the back of my Surf Kaua'i shirt and my hair.  I kept my composure.  Didn't say a word.  Not "You move like a fucking snail", not "Why don't you watch where the fuck you're going?"  Not a word.

At the pharmacy, I was told that I'd have to wait to pay for my nicotine patches because the store was having "till problems".  I did inquire a bit icily as to long it might take for that situation to be resolved.  I received a blank stare and a shrug by way of reply.  I kept my composure, put the patches back, and went to another pharmacy.

At the other pharmacy, I waited ten minutes for the cashier and the customer ahead of me to stop quacking and laughing over some stupid bullshit.  By then, the sound of human voices was drilling through my skull, straight into the Insanity Cortex.  You know that part of the brain...it's the one affected when a small child starts squalling in a public place.  When I finally got to the cashier, she asked me if I am over 55 years of age.  Apparently, there was some sort of senior's special going on.  At that point, I snapped.


"Are you over 55?"

"NO!  Do I look like I'm over 55?"

Blank stare.

"I should hope not."

Another blank stare.  The proper response would have been, "No! Of course not!"  Perhaps a smile and a little shake of the head.
I was a cashier starting at the age of twelve, in my mother's shop.  If I'd ever asked a customer about their age, for any reason, I would not have survived the day.  That goes for quacking and laughing and holding up the line too.  Customer getting loud = give your head a shake and apologize.

Instead she says, "I have to ask, it's my job."

I doubt that a pharmacy chain of that size would require its cashiers to ask every customer, no matter what their apparent age, whether or not they are over the age of 55.  Instead of accusing her of being an idiot and/or liar, I said, "Well, next time look, then ask."  That was all of the restraint of which I was capable.

As I stomped out to the car, I thought about my mother and how, if she was still alive, she probably would have been there.  She'd have jumped right in, in that way she had of making uncomfortable situations absolutely cringeworthy.  I don't care how swollen her lymph nodes are, there is no way my daughter looks over 55.  Not even on her worst day!  You insult my daughter with no apology?  Now you go get your manager.  I want to hear why it's your job to ask everyone if they are over 55.  No!  You go.  We will wait.

All I wanted was enough food, water, and patches to ensure that I wouldn't have any contact with anyone except my clients until this damned molar is fixed.  Now, I want everyone with an IQ under 120 to be immediately and unceremoniously euthanized.

And I sort of want my mother, too.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

First Day of Summer!

Finally!  The most awesome season of the year is here, for those who like it hot.  For those who don't...the air conditioning is all ready for you.

What am I doing this summer?  Well...unlike last summer, which was the very definition of slacking, I will be working my ass off because I have school starting in September and it's going to cost me a lot, both in terms of tuition, books, etc. and lost revenue from missing work while in classes.  Winters are slow, and when you're doing something that takes you away from what work there is, it's stressful.  In an effort to prepare for a stress-free and studious winter/spring, I've decided to be the ant and not the grasshopper for once.

This means no surfing until the winter break, which is fine because the best surfing in Tofino is in winter anyway.  I had hoped to see some hot sand, but sadly it is not to be.  I'm putting the jeans away and switching to sundresses, so be prepared to see me in colourful cotton shifts and not much else. I should warn you that I don't wear shoes if I can avoid it (old childhood habits die hard) - Sanuks at most. Just don't expect high heels and stockings - it'll be Rip Curl and Billabong all the way to September.

So how will summer be handled rates-wise?  Weekend specials!  I can't run a special every day...that would make it sort of...not special, but I don't want to completely eliminate them either, so on Saturdays and Sundays I will offer discounts on both erotic massage and full service sessions.

Hours are extended between now and September, because the days are longer and by July/August it's going to be hot enough in the afternoons that a siesta will be worked into the day (again, old childhood habits die hard).

On the subject of heat, this is the season to take care of your skin.  I've taken care of it with my fabulous oils all winter and spring, so sunscreen is a must!  This is also the season of sweaty bods and sandal feet...please be sure you've showered before coming in, and take extra good care of those tootsies, please and thanks.

Looking forward to seeing you this summer...have fun, play safe, and enjoy the video (Happy Birthday, Brian Wilson)

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Nicotine Nightmares

I've been using nicotine patches for a few weeks now.  I put one on every morning and everything is fine as long as I take it off about an hour before I go to sleep, and also wash off any residue that's left on my arm.  Only problem is, I don't always plan to sleep...it just happens.  One minute I'm wide awake, next minute I'm out like a light, still wearing the patch, and not even the sound of my video game controller, TV remote, or book hitting the floor will wake me.

The first time it happened, I dreamed I was attacked by a Rottweiler but it all turned out okay because I bit the dog and it ran away crying.  The few seconds between the dog launching itself into the air and it landing on me were pretty scary though.

Last night, it was Switzerland.  I was in Switzerland with a friend, smuggling diamonds, getting into fights and running from a blonde woman on a motorcycle who was shooting at us with a rather large nickel plated pistol.  Also, my friend was poisoned, so it was a pretty bad scene.

These dreams are extremely vivid, in colour and high definition, and can be recalled perfectly the next day.  So I did a little research and discovered that a lot of people are having these dreams if they sleep while wearing a nicotine patch.  Some of them think that the dreams are a withdrawal symptom.  I doubt that because they don't happen if you're not wearing a patch while sleeping, and there is more withdrawal without it.  The dreams are caused by the patch...I think it's because we don't smoke in our sleep.  Nicotine entering the bloodstream while you're sleeping is a whole new ballgame.  I find this interesting and am wondering what it does to the brain while you're awake.

Could smoking cause fantastical thoughts and anxieties?  Could it stimulate the "imaginative" part of the brain?  Maybe.  We are all familiar with the "smoking writer" - in days past, he pounded away on his typewriter in a blue haze.

Long after typewriters have given way to keyboards, the blue haze remains.  I wish we'd kept the typewriters and ditched the tobacco. Christopher Hitchens (my second-favourite author after Stephen King) has esophageal cancer because he smoked for so many years.  The heavy drinking didn't help either, but that's another topic.  Do you have to smoke to write?  I doubt it, but I wonder why so many writers do it.  They'd be better off putting on a nicotine patch and going to sleep instead!

Smoking costs us so much.  It costs us people, and everything they could have shared with the world had they lived longer.  I guess quitting is worth a few weird dreams.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Weekend Specials

Weekend specials are now in effect on Saturdays and Sundays.

Contact me via my site for more information.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Disappointing Game, Depressing Aftermath

Wow.  Just...wow.  Does that photo of Vancouver remind you of anything?

I don't mind so much that the Canucks lost.  It's not as though both teams could win, someone had to lose and I was prepared to celebrate if the Canucks won, and be disappointed if they didn't.  But this?

A few bad apples in Vancouver have embarrassed themselves, the team they're supposed to support, the city they're supposed to love, their province, and their country.  It only takes a few to make everyone look bad, doesn't it?  Last time I checked, harming other people, destroying property and stealing were not the sort of things a decent human being does, no matter what the reason, and this is the second time it's happened now.  We should have learned a few things from what happened in 1994 and Vancouver should never have closed the streets to allow huge numbers of people to gather like that.

I am disgusted.  Absolutely disgusted.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Canucks Stanley Cup Final Game 7: June 15, 2011

Today is the day!  Today, the Vancouver Canucks will play the Boston Bruins for the whole enchilada - the coveted Stanley Cup!

And how coveted it is.  "We want the cup" has thundered in the streets, in Rogers arena, in TD Garden.  At times I have thought I could hear it from here. 

By now, you guys have noticed how I become unavailable at precisely 5 p.m. PDT on Canucks game days.  I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been wearing much lately besides a Canucks jersey and panties.  Don't think I haven't noticed how much you like to talk about hockey during an erotic massage.  I do too.  So much so that it gets sort of...not erotic.

It's been an ugly, messy journey.  Bite!  Headshot!  Suspension!  And most regrettably, a serious back injury for Mason Raymond.  Now that is heartbreaking.  I'm trying to think of something that would be more disappointing than being injured that badly in Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final, but can't come up with anything.  Being left at the altar, maybe?  Actually, no, missing Game 7 would be worse.  A stillborn child.  There.  That would be worse.  That's the only thing I can imagine that would be more disappointing, and that sort of fits.  Ten months of waiting, preparing, looking forward, and then...it's over.

Anyway, the Canucks are back in Vancouver, much to the relief of their fans.  Off the soft, chippy ice, away from the Boston refs, back where they don't get booed, and injured players actually get carried off on stretchers by medics instead of having to be lugged off the ice by their teammates.  Too bad the Bruins had to come here too, eh?  He he.

Is it going to be enough that they are here?  I don't know.  I don't have the ability to predict the future, so I refrain from attempting to do so.  They have won on home ice before, but that doesn't mean that they will do so today.  What I will say is that I hope they win.  Of course I hope they win.  It will make them, and a lot of other people, very happy (some disturbingly so).  More than that, however, I hope that there are no more injuries, especially none involving the spine.  It's one thing to catch a puck in the face - it's quite another to break your back.  That's scary and I don't want to see anything like that tonight.  I also hope that, if the Canucks lose, Vancouver fans will keep their composure and not go nuts like in 1994.  Riots make the residents of a city (and the team they support) look like complete asshats, no matter who started it.

I'm going to a viewing party and trying to get ready for that and work at the same time.  When you have hair down to your ass, it takes forever to get it right.

Anyway, here we go, once again!  Go Canucks Go!  Win or lose, they have an awful lot of people - and a lot of awful people - behind them.

aw·ful (ôfl)


1. Extremely bad or unpleasant; terrible: had an awful day at the office.

2. Commanding awe: "this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath" (Herman Melville).

3. Filled with awe, especially:  a. Filled with or displaying great reverence.  b. Obsolete Afraid.

4. Formidable in nature or extent: an awful burden; an awful risk.

adv. Informal
Extremely; very: was awful sick.

Edit:  Well, I hoped the Canucks would win, and I hoped that if they didn't, nobody would riot.  Guess I'm 0 for 2 :(

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Friday, June 3, 2011


It's done! Got 2011/2012 all mapped out. Like last year, I will be attending classes Tuesday and Thursday evenings, starting in September. I'd like to do more than that, it's only two courses per semester, but they're required courses for the degree and combined, they're worth 18 credits, so I need to give them as much attention as possible. Next year I'll do some fiddly little shit at North Island College and a big research project that will get me out of having to study abroad.

The only thing that sucks about this is having to run back and forth to Nanaimo.  I thought about working while in Nanaimo but would rather not...best to just get there and back as quickly as possible. Like last year, I can compensate somewhat for the lost evenings by working earlier in the morning. So that's going to create the same situation as last year: morning work, afternoon work, evening work out or class, night study. When am I supposed to sleep? More importantly, when am I supposed to surf?

This had better be a really good summer.

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

What's New for June?

Getting ready for a busy summer! No festivals for me this year - I'm going to get my tuition together for Fall and Spring this time. Thanks to the strike at VIU last semester, I've ended up having to start fourth year before third year is finished and my plan is all bassackwards, but this way I only lose half a year. No worries as long as I keep getting those credits.

I'm going to a few simple, inclusive rates for summer, as well as longer hours. This "being at the gym in the morning" thing has not been working out...mainly because I want to work in the morning, not work out. Will have to leave the other stuff for after work. "Yeah, right!" cries the Inner Voice. "Only thing you'll be doing after work is fucking around in Vana'diel with your Final Fantasy friends!"

We'll see about that! I have a plan. (Inner Voice Rolls on the Floor Laughing)

Regular clients, next time I see you be sure to choose your login info for the Members area of the site. Membership has its benefits!

Nicole Kelly
Comox Valley Massage
Sensuous Erotic Massage in Comox BC
Comox - Vancouver Island - British Columbia (BC)